Things You Can Only Say At Christmas

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5: I've never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10: Don't play with your meat!

11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in?

16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

Senior "Internet" Dating

SENIOR DATING

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.


Dorothy: 'That nice "Red" McDonald asked me out for a date. I know you
went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before
I give him my answer.'

Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M.
dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such
beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine
uniformed chauffeur and all.


Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne,
dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you,
Dorothy,


I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!


So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.


Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with
me two times!'

Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?'

Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'

Newfie Math Test

A Newfie wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a math test. 

"Here is your first question", the foreman said.  "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." 

"Without numbers?"  The Newfie says? "Dat's easy."   He proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you got no brain?  Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Newfie. 

"Fair enough," says the boss.  "Here's your second question.  Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Newfie stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... " 'ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree.  Dat makes 99." 

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Newfie , so he says, "All right, last question.  Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Newfie stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, " 'ere you go.  One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" 

The Newfie leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poops by each tree. 

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!" 

The Newfie is the new supervisor.

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
                                It won..
                The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
                        That he entered it in the
                     Race Again, and it won again...

                          The local paper read:

                                PASTOR'S
                             ASS OUT FRONT.

                 The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
                        Publicity that he ordered
                                   The
             Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

                   The next day, the local paper headline
                                  Read:

                                 BISHOP
                                SCRATCHES
                                PASTOR'S
                                  ASS.

                  This was too much for the bishop, so he
                        Ordered the pastor to get
                                   Rid
                             Of the donkey.


                The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
                             Nearby convent.

               The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
                         The following headline
                                   The
                                Next day:

                        NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

                           The bishop fainted.

                He informed the nun that she would have to
                      Get rid of the donkey, so she
                        Sold it to a farmer for $10.

                        The next day the paper read:

                                    NUN
                           SELLS ASS FOR $10.

                  This was too much for the bishop, so he
                       Ordered the nun to buy back
                                   The
           Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
                                 Wild..
                     The next day the headlines read:

                 NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

                    The bishop was buried the next day.
                  The moral of the story is . .... Being
                     Concerned about public opinion
                 Can bring you much grief and misery . .
                         Even shorten your life.


                      So be yourself and enjoy life.

                Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
                         You'll be a lot happier
                                   And
                              Live longer!

Banking in Toronto, Newfie Style

A Newfie  walked into a bank in Toronto and  asked for the loans officer. He told the loans  officer that he was going to Newfoundland  on business for two weeks and needed to borrow  $5,000, however he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank  would need some form of security for the loan,  so the Newfie handed over the keys to a new  Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in  front of the bank.  The Newfie produced the  title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for  the loan and apologized for having to charge 12%  interest.

Later, the bank's president  and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Newfie for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the  bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's  underground garage and parked it. Two weeks  later, the Newfie returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer  said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your  business, and this transaction has worked out  very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While  you were away, we checked you out and found that  you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is,  why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'


The  Newfie replied: 'Where else in Toronto can I  park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and  expect it to be there when I return?'

Ah, Newfies...... See! Salt Beef is good for the brain.   

Funny Fridays - A Newfoundlander Running In The Rain

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the St John's Labour Day marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 5000 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes by'e!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?

'Oh , yes me by'e' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! '

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Lard Tunderin Geez No by'e.........just when it's raining.

A New Thing - Funny Fridays

I decided that once in a while I get some really really funny emails. Mostly about Newfoundlanders, but sometimes not. From now on, on Fridays I'm going to post a joke. We can all use a good laugh and I hope you enjoy!